Over Done

Do You Need Something? Oh I am sure you do!

I often go above and beyond in everything I do. When you come to my home, it's not just a room that's ready for you—no, that would be too ordinary. Instead, I have baked all your favorite treats from scratch, stocked your preferred wine, and gathered every single item you've ever shown any interest or affection for. Your bath towel is folded into a swan with your handcloth elegantly placed on its head like a crown.

My husband never has to mention running low on soap, toothpaste, or socks. There's always a supply of bananas, berries, yogurt, nuts, and anything else he consumes. I manage everything meticulously, like a drill sergeant. If he hints at needing something, I quickly trip over myself to show him that I've already anticipated and fulfilled that need. When we had friends visiting for five days and one drank seltzer, I stocked up enough to last five months, in every available flavor, and we still have boxes of it in the pantry three years later.

I will clean your home, paint your walls, mow your yard, feed your livestock (ok so that's an exaggeration...I know nothing about livestock buy will gladly take a class if you need me) or anything else you haven't even realized that you need help with. Overness is a disease and I have a terminal case.

Overextending oneself, I often to refer to as "overness," is a condition that many people experience, often stemming from a deeper emotional struggle. It’s a mindset that can lead to burnout and stress, driven by the belief that one must constantly do more to be worthy of love and acceptance. This chronic feeling of inadequacy, encapsulated in the phrase "I am not enough, as I am, for you to love," can be debilitating. It creates a cycle where individuals feel compelled to overcommit and overperform in various aspects of their lives—whether in personal relationships, work environments, or even in maintaining their homes. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward healing and finding balance. By allowing yourself to accept help and recognizing that you do not have to do everything alone, you can begin to break free from this cycle and cultivate a healthier, more fulfilling lifestyle.

I believe my worth is intricately tied to how much I can give or do excessively for others. This mindset has shaped my interactions and relationships, leading me to believe that my value as a person is measured by my ability to serve and cater to the needs of those around me. Perhaps, in this belief, I think that if I pour enough of myself into others, then you will like me, choose to stay with me, and treat me with kindness and respect. It seems only logical to me that how could anyone not love someone who goes above and beyond for them? After all, I have always been taught that selflessness is a virtue, and giving is a sign of love. Therefore, I convince myself that my contributions will earn me affection and loyalty.

Yet, this line of thinking raises a troubling question: how could you mistreat or leave someone who is constantly striving to do more for you? The fear of rejection looms large in my mind, and I often find myself wondering if perhaps it is my own shortcomings that lead to feelings of abandonment. I reflect on my past and think that maybe if I had done just a little more, then my mother wouldn't have been upset with me during those pivotal moments in my childhood. I often replay memories of my first marriage and wonder if it might have survived had I been more attentive, more giving, or simply more perfect. If only I could have been everything my partner needed, maybe I would have finally been deserving of love and companionship.

This internal struggle is compounded by the societal pressures that have intensified in our digital age. I have come to realize that I am not alone in my battle with the compulsion to "overdo." With the rise of social media, where everyone seems to showcase their lives in highlight reels, the expectation to perform and present oneself as perpetually generous and capable has grown. Online tests and quizzes promise insights into our personalities or relationships, often reinforcing the belief that we must continuously prove our worth through our actions. This environment encourages a culture of overachievement and self-sacrifice, making it difficult for individuals like me to find balance.

In my day-to-day life, this tendency to overdo everything manifests in the simplest of tasks. For instance, I struggle to prepare what should be a straightforward dinner. Instead of a simple meal, I find myself going to great lengths, planning multiple courses and a variety of vegetable options that could easily feed an entire prison. I meticulously choose recipes that require extensive preparation and ingredients, driven by the desire to impress and please those I care about. The kitchen becomes a battleground where I push myself to the limits, fueled by the belief that a grand meal will somehow validate my worth and ensure that those I love will appreciate me more.

As I navigate this complex relationship with giving and self-worth, I am beginning to understand the importance of finding a balance. It is crucial to recognize that my value does not solely rely on my ability to serve others or the extent of my sacrifices. Learning to appreciate myself for who I am, independent of my actions, is a journey that I am slowly embarking on. I am starting to realize that love and kindness should not be transactional; they should flow naturally, without the need for excessive effort or proof of worthiness. This realization is both liberating and daunting, as it challenges me to rethink my approach to relationships and self-acceptance.

I see my husband rooting through cabinets and yell " new protein powder in the corner cabinet above the lids". He shakes his head with a smile and tells me to write.....